A DECENT PROPOSAL: BAN THE HANDSHAKE

by Don Rose, Writer, Life Alert

There was once a touching song about touching, which contained the immortal lyric, “Sometimes when we touch… the honesty’s too much.” Honestly, there IS good advice in there, if we just replace the word “honesty” with “virus”. Because sometimes, even MANY times, when we touch, a cold or flu virus spreads and is too much (for the other person’s immune system).

So, you may ask, why do we even need a handshake? I say it’s time to shake this habit.

There is never any compelling reason to shake someone's hand, and in fact it causes more harm than good in many cases. Besides passing on viruses, some handshakes can cause immediate pain. We have all met at least one person who insisted on crushing any hand they encounter as a sign of power, arrogance or lack of self esteem. I heard of one rock star who decided to stop shaking hands forever after one such incident.

But of course the more common form of handshake harm is the aforementioned spreading of cold and flu viruses (not to mention other germs), especially during cold season. That is why I am making the following proposal: let’s ban handshaking. The best case would be an all year ban, but if that is too much for some, then a fall back position would be a fall start time for the ban, lasting till spring. In other words, ban handshakes during Daylight Standard Time (starting September-October and going through March-April), which should cover most if not all of cold and flu season. “STANDARD = HAND HAZARD” could be our motto. We will all be healthier for it, especially seniors, who often have weaker immune systems and hence are at greater risk for invading viruses.

If we desire a substitute for the handshake when greeting someone, there are many options available (and no, not kissing, since any face-to-face contact risks virus spreading too). We could always bow, like the Japanese. Or, to avoid possible noggin-knocking a la Three Stooges, we could use the greeting I saw on Star Trek (the classic series) where one race of men on some planet would hit left chest with right fist then outstretch the arm to indicate greeting. Then there is the rapidly-spreading custom known as the “fist bump,” popularized by Howie Mandel and the infamous satirical Obama cover of the New Yorker.

There you have it. Yes, you will say next spring, I have to hand it to him, his no-handshake rule DID come in handy when I didn’t catch a cold or the flu last winter. (You’re welcome!) Next step: as you live this healthier life alert your friends and family, then have them alert their circle of loved ones, and so on. Soon the handshake ban plan will be propagating faster than any flu, and may even save some lives.

Now go forth and spread the word (not the viruses).

BEST OF TESTIMONIALS: MORE DOGGONE GOOD LIFE ALERT LETTERS

Here are a few more heartfelt testimonials involving dogs that we’ve received here at Life Alert:

I took my dog Sweetie out for her morning walk, forgetting about the beans I had put on the stove. As I turned the last corner I realized something was wrong. The fire department had arrived as I reached the house, and they took care of my smoke filled house. I also received a call from my doctor, who you had notified. I am very impressed with the promptness of your call. Being 87 years old, my memory is somewhat impaired. I thank you for your caring, and I know you are there for me if I need you. -Rita M., Phoenix AZ

It was around five o’clock when I put my dog’s leash on him and grabbed my cane and walked up our driveway to fetch the evening newspaper. Instead of walking back to our house on the driveway, I foolishly started back down via our upper, very wet lawn (from our own watering system being on that afternoon). On my first step I slipped and fell!! I scooted as far as the fence around our pool, then figured I could grab some boards and be able to stand and walk on to the house. Wrong! I’m too old to do the things that I used to do quite easily. Finally I used the Life Alert thing hanging around my neck, which brought the help I wanted. They came quickly and took me to our hospital for an exam. Now I tell my friends not to do the stupid thing I did. Doctors should also tell their patients that, too. That is my story, and I’ll be telling anyone who wants to know why I’m still turning my head quite slowly! -Margaret S., Okanogan WA

The response was excellent! I tripped over my dog and hit my head against the handle to the oven door, and bled profusely. I immediately punched the button on the Life Alert necklace I was wearing. First time I have used it. The quick response was great. A female voice came on the speaker box and asked simple, forthright questions and guided me accordingly – to turn on my porch light, unlock the front door, and sit down and wait for the medics. Thank you! A concussion and ten head-staples later, I am most appreciative of your service. Worth every penny! -Martha L., Modesto CA

I was in my backyard, getting ready to dump water from my dogs’ pool. I thought the water level had gone down enough that I could lift the pool and dump the water, however I lost my balance and was unable to stabilize myself. I had a stroke in 1994 which affected my right side; I have limited mobility in my right leg, and no use of my right arm. I fell in such a way that I couldn’t get up. I depressed my Life Alert button. I wasn’t sure if you received my signal because I was outside my home. It was very hot that day, over 90 degrees. I was very glad to see the ambulance when it arrived. The gentlemen were very nice. They helped me to my feet and checked to see if I was hurt in any way. I was only shaken. Had it not been for Life Alert, I could have laid there for hours and suffered much worse injuries due to the intense heat, or death. -Ralph G., Jackson TN

I was gone for the day, and the man who brings my firewood brought in several cardboard boxes full of 2x4 ends, which I use for starting fires. He set them on the hearth, a little close to the stove. The boxes caught fire and then the 2x4 ends began to smolder. The two people on my call list were both gone, so Life Alert called the local fire department. The patrolman who first responded was, coincidentally, the man who first installed your smoke alarm. When he arrived and looked through the front window, he said the whole house was full of smoke. He got in through the back door and threw the burning boxes of wood out into the front yard and aired out the house. He also rescued my little dog and took her out to his patrol car so she could get some fresh air. I am convinced that, in another five minutes or less, the whole house would have been on fire and probably no one would have known it until the flames started coming out the roof. Whatever I have spent on Life Alert was repaid a thousand times during this one incident. I have you (and the local fire department) to thank for saving my house and my little dog. I am very thankful that you took such prompt action. -Joyce M., Troy MT

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