A DECENT PROPOSAL: BAN THE HANDSHAKE

by Don Rose, Writer, Life Alert

There was once a touching song about touching, which contained the immortal lyric, “Sometimes when we touch… the honesty’s too much.” Honestly, there IS good advice in there, if we just replace the word “honesty” with “virus”. Because sometimes, even MANY times, when we touch, a cold or flu virus spreads and is too much (for the other person’s immune system).

So, you may ask, why do we even need a handshake? I say it’s time to shake this habit.

There is never any compelling reason to shake someone's hand, and in fact it causes more harm than good in many cases. Besides passing on viruses, some handshakes can cause immediate pain. We have all met at least one person who insisted on crushing any hand they encounter as a sign of power, arrogance or lack of self esteem. I heard of one rock star who decided to stop shaking hands forever after one such incident.

But of course the more common form of handshake harm is the aforementioned spreading of cold and flu viruses (not to mention other germs), especially during cold season. That is why I am making the following proposal: let’s ban handshaking. The best case would be an all year ban, but if that is too much for some, then a fall back position would be a fall start time for the ban, lasting till spring. In other words, ban handshakes during Daylight Standard Time (starting September-October and going through March-April), which should cover most if not all of cold and flu season. “STANDARD = HAND HAZARD” could be our motto. We will all be healthier for it, especially seniors, who often have weaker immune systems and hence are at greater risk for invading viruses.

If we desire a substitute for the handshake when greeting someone, there are many options available (and no, not kissing, since any face-to-face contact risks virus spreading too). We could always bow, like the Japanese. Or, to avoid possible noggin-knocking a la Three Stooges, we could use the greeting I saw on Star Trek (the classic series) where one race of men on some planet would hit left chest with right fist then outstretch the arm to indicate greeting. Then there is the rapidly-spreading custom known as the “fist bump,” popularized by Howie Mandel and the infamous satirical Obama cover of the New Yorker.

There you have it. Yes, you will say next spring, I have to hand it to him, his no-handshake rule DID come in handy when I didn’t catch a cold or the flu last winter. (You’re welcome!) Next step: as you live this healthier life alert your friends and family, then have them alert their circle of loved ones, and so on. Soon the handshake ban plan will be propagating faster than any flu, and may even save some lives.

Now go forth and spread the word (not the viruses).